desperate desires and unadmirable plans.

I want to be a writer sometimes.

Not in the sense that I want to write this epic novel about love and loss and getting my period or winning the nobel peace prize.

I want to write about real, hilarious things I see every day.
I think I will try to incorporate this dream into my life somehow. I will have to learn to be more witty, charming, and funny of course.

Until then..

I have been reading a lot of biographies of famous people who have had addiction problems, mental illness, and breakdowns. Why do I relate to them? This might be a red flag.

But as I read the life stories of Marcia Brady having sex with dealers so she knows she will never run of blow, and Princess Leia getting shock therapy to deal with her manic/depression behavior, I can’t help but think..”Ashlie, these are your people. And you better take notes, it’s only a matter of time.”

This leads me to the conclusion I must go back to therapy and take those mind-altering, suicide inducing drugs I should have been on years ago. But as I read in many of the auto-biographies out on the library shelves today…they do wonders.

Although I attribute many of my mental problems to my abusive dad and my mom, who racks up felon charges like they are perfect attendance awards..I believe most of it has something to do with the choices I’ve made in my past. The paths I didn’t take. I am very consumed right now in living in a fantasy world wondering how my life would be if I went to a 4 year college, had lots of random sex, got an addiction problem..ya know the normal college years. Or if I didn’t get married so soon and explored the world on my own..or possibly tried to star on SNL, which was a brief dream that lasted as long as Carrot Top’s acting carrer. Or what would’ve happened.. if I stayed in Springfield, Ohio…and bought those damn pants. I knew I should’ve splurged and bought the pants. You know who you are.

But I can’t live in regrets. I just can’t. It’s making my skin blotchy, and I’m losing hair from stress.

So tonight I encourage everyone to think of one thing they regret. Ok now stop. It gets you no where.